Tales of Romance by Foaly
by Captain Holly Short of the LEP
Summary: I, the fantastic Foaly, am writing the best book yet, full of romance and joy, until two people who are clueless for their love for one another spoil it for me. Possible Artemis/Holly, depending on whether they see it for themselves.
1. Chapter 1

**TALES OF ROMANCE by Foaly (The novel is the part in italics)**

**Chapter 1**

**Author's Note: I am not responsible for loss of life, injury or damage caused by copy of this novel. If you have any complaints surrounding the content of my novel, please send your complaint via laser-script to the LEP incinerator.**

* * *

_The sun was sinking beyond the white cliffs of Dover, the red tinged sky slowly turning black like a dying flame in a hearth. The two lovers sat arm in arm on the edge of the cliff as if there were no worries left in the world. The female tossed her golden head towards the ocean, her blond curls waving in the cool breeze. The wind ruffled the boy's hair much in the way that a doting grandfather does to his grandson. The trees swayed gently, their fingers grasping for the heavens. _

"_Arty," whispered the girl, her voice sounding to the boy like angels, "must we leave so soon? I'm sure my father would not mind us being a little bit late for the ball." Artemis turned to face her, his breath cool on her skin. _

"_Of course Minerva, we will stay as long as it pleases you," he replied. Minerva smiled warmly, gently placing her hand in his. Artemis obliged and curled his fingers round her delicate wrist. They glanced out to the ocean where the lights were dimming, the emerald waves rolling across the sea._

"_Did I ever tell you how much I love your hair?" Artemis sighed, looking lovingly at the pretty French girl. _

"_Yes, many times Arty, but I am sure that I haven't told you how much your eyes look like the ocean below us," she said smiling at him, Artemis smiled back then smirked. _

"_No, one of my eyes Minnie, only one, my other matches the bark on the trees and the colour of melted chocolate. Do you not like that eye?" he asked. "For that one is my favourite, gentle and welcoming unlike my cold and jeering other." _

_Minerva chuckled lightly. "Of course I like it Arty, but I also know that it is not yours so to speak and it belongs to an elf whom has saved your life many a time."_

_Artemis grinned and his eyes softened as he leant closer and closer..._

* * *

"STOP! STOP!" Holly cried, turning to face the smirking centaur. "Foaly, this is just ridiculous! How do you think anyone likes this rubbish?"

Foaly was mortally offended, "Goodness Holly, I put a lot of effort into this novel!" He turned the laptop he was reading to her, showing Holly the words, 'by Foaly', typed in large letters at the top of the screen.

Holly laughed coldly, "Effort! You must be having a laugh!"

"But..."

"Artemis and Minerva my helmet!" Holly exclaimed, "I can't believe you dragged me here to read me this! You made me miss out on my mission just to hear this rubbish!"

Foaly put down his laptop, "If you find my story so bad, you could help me finish it!" he suggested, a smile appearing on his sullen face.

"Okay then," Holly answered. "First, make the next part more interesting."

"Holly!" Foaly exclaimed. "Kissing is romantic enough! I don't believe you are suggesting _that_!"

Holly looked alarmed, "No Foaly! I mean 'interesting' as in Artemis _hurting_ Minerva!"

Foaly grinned at the idea, "Perfect! I never knew you were able to come up with ideas _that _good!"

Foaly picked up the laptop and began to type the rest of the novel. When he finished he looked up at Holly. "Holly," he asked, "just wondering, are you in love with-"

"No!"

"Are you really?"

"No!"

"Have you-"

"No!"

"Do you-"

"NO!"

Foaly chuckled, "Thanks Holly! I didn't think you'd give anyone three months of your pay check. That's very kind of you."

"D'Arvit!" Holly swore.

"I guess you would like me to start part two of my brilliant novel," Foaly said.

"Oh yes, it is _sooo _clever," Holly answered sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

* * *

_Artemis grinned and his eyes softened as he leant closer and closer. And there, just as the sun was right in front of them, Artemis pushed Minerva off the side of the cliff. She screamed as she gracefully fell into the icy waters below. With one last squeal she disappeared with a large splash. Artemis smirked evilly as the ripples faded away._

* * *

Holly finally managed her laughter.

"Much better," she choked doubling over in another laughing fit. Finally she regained composure and turned on her heel and left the booth. Foaly sat for a moment drinking in the feeling of success. Something he had felt many times and gloried in it. Now it was time for a bit more fun with his friends...

* * *

**So, what ya think??? **

**Please review**

**-Captain Short**


	2. Chapter 2

**TALES OF ROMANCE by Foaly (The novel is the part in italics)**

**Chapter 2**

**Author's Second Note: This novel is subject to copyright laws. Offenses include burning a copy of this novel onto a laser disc, reading an unauthorised version of this novel and selling this novel without my permission. Offenders will be fined up to a tonne of gold.**

* * *

_The solar panels slowly dimmed as the time neared for the residents of Haven to sleep. Two elves sat hand in hand on top of the female's apartment watching the city calm down after another busy day. Many people would argue that it was unsafe for someone to sit where they could fall but quite frankly, neither of them cared as one of them was in charge of pretty much everything to do with police work in Haven. The first female captain in recon turned to face her commander, a grin plastered on her face. _

"_So Trubs," she began, knowing that he wouldn't yell at her for calling him his pet name as she was the most important person to him at that time besides his 'Mummy' and baby brother, Grub. "What sort of mission do you need me to go on tonight? Another kidnapping by a child genius? Another goblin rebellion? Or maybe another megalomaniac pixie on the loose?" she asked in one of her mocking tones. Trouble smiled uncertainly not getting her joke. _

"_No, actually Holls, I was wondering whether you..."_

"_I?" prompted Holly,_

"_er, well,"_

"_Yes?"_

"_Well, if you loved me?" he asked, his voice shaking slightly. Holly grinned. _

"_Of course I..." _

* * *

"STOP!" bellowed Butler after receiving a tap from his charge. Artemis continued from there.

"Thank you Butler, I am sure that Foaly would enlighten us on why he is writing this, to use a more civilised word: idiotic, romance tale?" Foaly withered on the spot, so much for his fantastic writing skills.

"You don't like it?" he whimpered. Artemis shook his head.

"No I don't like it at all. What did you think you were doing? And where did you get the idea that Holly and Trouble even liked each other?" he sat for a moment pondering the next action.

"Foaly?" he continued. "Can I write the next bit? I am a successful romance author under the pseudonym, Violet Tsablou; do you think that I may be your next ticket for success?"

"OK Mudboy, but be careful, it's my next great creation," Foaly grumbled under his breath.

"Great creation my hat!" exclaimed Artemis, leaning over towards the laptop. Foaly groaned.

"What's that, the next most said sentence above and below ground?" he mumbled. Butler gave him a worried look then turned to read what his employer had written.

* * *

"_Of course I DON'T YOU FREAK'N IDIOTIC COWPOG!" Holly yelled, putting her Neutrino on its highest setting and pushing the barrel into the astonished elf's chest. _

"_To The Surface with you!" she shouted and pulled the trigger, watching as her commander's body fell off the building in a graceful arch. _

* * *

When Artemis had finished typing and added his name to the constantly growing author list he turned back to Foaly, a smirk on his face.

"Much better," he stated walking out the door to talk to Holly. As Butler followed the teenager he could had sworn he heard the disheartened centaur say:

"Why does it always end with them getting hurt, first Artemis pushing Minerva of the cliff, now this," But Butler thought that he must have been dreaming, no one ever thought that Artemis would date Minerva, surely?


	3. Chapter 3

**TALES OF ROMANCE by Foaly (The novel is the part in italics)**

**Chapter 3**

**Author's Disclaimer: For my disclaimer I could easily just say something like: I don't own the characters of this novel. But that's just boring, so for my disclaimer I will invite my friends, Commander Trouble Kelp and Corporal Grub Kelp!**

**Foaly: Hi there!**

**Trouble: Hi!**

**Grub: Hi!**

**Trouble: Are you going to do your disclaimer or what?**

**Foaly: Okay then, I don't own Artemis Fowl, I don't own Minerva Paradizo, I don't own Holly Short, I don't own you Trouble, I don't own Tuscany, I don't own the cliffs of Dover, I don't own the sea Minerva fell into, I don't own Holly's apartment, I don't own...**

**Trouble: FOALY!**

**Grub: Be quiet Trubs! Let Foaly continue!**

**Trouble: That's Commander Kelp to you!**

**Grub: But Mummy said I can say what I like!**

**Foaly: (sighs)**

**Trouble: I don't care what Mummy said!**

**Grub: Mummy's right, you can't do anything, unlike me!**

**Foaly: (sighs)**

**Trouble: Grub, I am commander here!**

**Grub: That's Corporal Kelp to you!**

**Trouble: GRUB...**

* * *

_The sun sank behind the purple hills of Tuscany. The colour of the sky, draining like a disease. Two lovers sat facing the sun, hand in hand, lying blissfully on one of the hills. Soon, the only lights besides the moon were coming from afar, like small fireflies twirling in the distance. _

_Although both lovers were somehow attached to the moon, they were mesmerised by the village lights as they slowly winked out, and soon all was left was the moon, a wide full moon taking up the majority of the sky in front of them. Something was magical about the moon that night, neither could say why but it bonded them in a very special way- magical. Both had experienced the joys of magic running through their system and although one found that they would probably die without it, the other had picked it up and used it just as quickly. _

_But tonight was different. Both had come to the conclusion that there must still be magic in him, they just needed to renew it. So they had found an old oak on top of a hill and around that hill was a narrow river, winding round the hill like a snake. So here, full moon, ancient oak and twisted waters met, to complete the magical equation. All he needed was an acorn which he now removed from his jacket pocket. Leaning over a small hole he had dug, he buried the acorn muttering the ancient words, waiting for the magic to react. _

_And it did, wonderfully so. He felt it reboot his system then heal his many small wounds. Then, as the magic started to fade, he turned his head to see the small elf beside him, also surrounded in blue sparks and as hers also started to fade, he leant in and..._

* * *

Foaly paused, waiting for an interruption. But none came from the two, so he continued.

* * *

…_and kissed her, heat spreading over their bodies, lighting up the sections that were dimming and powering the magic to do more, marvellous things. As the magic started to fade again they broke apart, mesmerised by each others eyes. _

"_Holly," the now magical human whispered, "I now can hide in the pure daylight, heal with the touch of my hand and control anyone audibly and visually, thank you for my magic." Holly smiled warmly. _

"_No Arty, thank you. Without you there is no reason to live, no chance for survival at all. You are my spark in the darkness, my guide dog for my blind eyes. Without you I am lost," she said, leaning over and kissing him again. This time, although there was no magic, it was metaphorically more so, as the moon rose over the hill, luminating them like a spotlight, making them one, knowing that they will stay together, forever. _

* * *

Foaly stared at Holly and Artemis in pure shock. They weren't shouting at him for such a ridiculous idea, they hadn't moved as far away from each other as possible. In fact, he swore he saw the two shuffling closer to each other.

"Are y-y-you a-actually in l-love?" he stammered in joyful disbelief, pushing away the laptop containing his story.

"What do you think?" Holly asked as if the idea was impossible.

"Yes?" Foaly suggested, hoping Holly would reveal everything.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed, quickly shoving the surprised Artemis away from her.

"Ha! You're in love!"

"No!" Holly yelled, punching the centaur in his smug face.

"CAPTAIN SHORT!" yelled a voice that Holly did not want to hear. "WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT PUNCHING THE TECHIE IN THE FACE?"

A very angry looking Commander Kelp entered the Operation's Booth, followed by a whining Grub.

"That I shouldn't?" suggested Holly. Trouble sighed.

"Fine, I'll let you off this time, but if I catch you again..." He didn't finish his threat, hoping that Holly was feeling afraid of him. But judging by the look on her face (trying not to laugh), she wasn't. So he surrendered and left the room.

Artemis moved towards the laptop and scrolled up to read the other chapters. The expressions on his face changed nearly every few seconds, accompanied by a chuckle from Foaly, who was now standing up again and was reading over the boy's shoulder. At first, Artemis went slightly pink at the thought of he and Minerva dating, but as the chapter drew to a conclusion, slight chuckles were heard from the boy. The second chapter needn't have to be read as Artemis had been present at the 'opening'. But he read it all the same, laughing a bit too much for someone who had nothing against the commander. He didn't reread the last chapter as that as the most embarrassing of the three. So he turned to Holly, a slight smirk on his features.

"Holly," Artemis said," I am guessing that you wrote the end of the first chapter after listening to the start of it because you were disgusted that Foaly came up with this ridiculous idea. Am I right?"

Foaly glanced up from the laptop. "Ha! Artemis admitted that you love each other!"

Artemis opened his mouth to complain but suddenly Holly pulled him over to her and...

Foaly watched in astonishment as Holly kissed Artemis. His theory was actually correct! But he was in for an even bigger surprise. Because, just then, Trouble stormed into the room. He was there to tell Foaly to stop bugging Holly but he got a lot more than he bargained for. They were kissing! Unbelievable. Artemis and Holly were making out in the middle of the room. As he watched the two with his mouth gaping open, Foaly captured the whole scene on camera. Elf kissing mudboy, jealous commander. His website would become the most popular website under the Earth!

Meanwhile, Trouble's face was turning purple. Very purple. As purple as a beetroot.

"SHORT!" he yelled. "What in Frond's name are you doing?"

As Artemis and Holly broke apart, Foaly started another video. _This should make it to the headlines_, he thought. It definitely did. The video was mentioned in news all around the Lower Elements, most notably the Atlantis Times saying 'Julius Root is back from the dead!'

Obviously, this was very embarrassing for the commander but the elf who kissed the Mudman in the video attracted a lot of media attention too.

Foaly was the only person that benefitted from the scene. After snapping several photos of Trouble yelling at Holly, he posted the images on the internet. All of them made it to the finals of Haven's Funniest Home Videos (HFHV) and his photos took the top three places for the best photo awards. Overall, Foaly won half a metric tonne of gold.

The videos weren't Foaly's only success. Tales of Romance won 27 Gold Awards and was nominated as both the best romance novel and the best violent novel for the ELF Awards.

* * *

So overall Foaly, the amazing centaur, was very successful and afterwards was treated as a hero.

Holly and Artemis? Oh, they married and had three kids or something, and Minerva met Trouble on a later adventure and they were very happy until Minerva got hit by a bus the day before their wedding, but that's beside the point, Foaly was fantastic. As usual.


End file.
